Reality #4 ... Your counsel sees your situation as a business transaction that they have done hundreds of times before you ... for you its emotional and your situation is different than anyone else's because it involves you ... reality is ... you are not unique.
How you are viewing the situation is completely different than how your lawyer views it; yes they have done this (hopefully) far more than you have (although I know a few people who could use frequent divorce miles cards), and not every piece of information is relevant or irrelant to your case. I can tell you that the fact that the ex forgot your 30th birthday, and you are still hurt by it has absolutely no bearing on your case now. It is not relevant. The fact that they ran up the joint line of credit just after you split up does matter. It is relevant.
Clients need to understand that not all information matters. Sometimes what we deem as completely heinous just isn't relevant to the process. It won't make the process faster or the other person pay more. If you press the situation it will, without doubt, drive your legal bill up.
Lawyers need to understand that their clients are not business transactions but human beings that are dealing with a multi-system failure (hmmm dare I say arsenic poisoning) that they are trying (sometimes desperately) to get back on-line. If counsel treated clients with a bit more compassion, clients may be a bit more accepting of the process.
If you can keep in mind that you are not unique, that your lawyer has done this before, what you can do to set yourself apart from all the other "unique" clients is to start asking good questions about what is and what isn't relevant and about the process... this approach may have your lawyer seeing that maybe, just maybe, you are the one and only truly unique client in their practice ...
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Reality #3 .... Revenge is but a fantasy...
Reality #3 ...revenge is a fantasy, that should never cross into reality.
We have all had that delicious thought after another person in our life has treated us unjustly (or just down right horribly), and we think about taking action so that we can watch as they endure the pain they have caused in our lives. This thought usually occurs as we sit (usually with a friend or two, and most likely a little alcohol) pouring out our hearts to what the offending party has done to us, and it is at this moment someone comes up with an amusing revenge plot that gets us laughing. This revenge plot also usually resembles something we have seen in a movie but remember Reality #2, this is not Hollywood.
Revenge will not get you what you want. It will make things worse for you and better for them. It always does. However ....for revenge to work in your favor and if you absolutely, must, must, must get revenge I suggest the following course of action...
First treat yourself well.... work out, get your hair done, ladies wear make up, new clothes, whatever you need to look fantastic and feel amazing ... The offending party will not understand how you can look so great going through such stress when they are miserable. They don't need to know that you are stressed out, only your friends get to know that.
Second, adjust your anger attitude. This statement is way easier said than done (and I have a hard time with it too) However, showing anger shows the other person that they are getting to you. Be sweet as pie ... and buy a heavy bag to punch if necessary. I have been told not to be angry at my ex ... ummm yeah, I can do that only if heavily medicated, I am angry with all the stupidity and foolishness that has been endured. However, to their face I am sweet as can be, they never gets to see me in any other state other than nice. Then I go home and use the punching bag ... a lot...
The best revenge you can get ... is to be successful with your moving forward in your fabulous new life. This unravelling is temporarily in your present, and your ex is in your past ... they don't get to affect your future. This is a new beginning and you get to decide its course ...enjoy the journey ...
C.
We have all had that delicious thought after another person in our life has treated us unjustly (or just down right horribly), and we think about taking action so that we can watch as they endure the pain they have caused in our lives. This thought usually occurs as we sit (usually with a friend or two, and most likely a little alcohol) pouring out our hearts to what the offending party has done to us, and it is at this moment someone comes up with an amusing revenge plot that gets us laughing. This revenge plot also usually resembles something we have seen in a movie but remember Reality #2, this is not Hollywood.
Revenge will not get you what you want. It will make things worse for you and better for them. It always does. However ....for revenge to work in your favor and if you absolutely, must, must, must get revenge I suggest the following course of action...
First treat yourself well.... work out, get your hair done, ladies wear make up, new clothes, whatever you need to look fantastic and feel amazing ... The offending party will not understand how you can look so great going through such stress when they are miserable. They don't need to know that you are stressed out, only your friends get to know that.
Second, adjust your anger attitude. This statement is way easier said than done (and I have a hard time with it too) However, showing anger shows the other person that they are getting to you. Be sweet as pie ... and buy a heavy bag to punch if necessary. I have been told not to be angry at my ex ... ummm yeah, I can do that only if heavily medicated, I am angry with all the stupidity and foolishness that has been endured. However, to their face I am sweet as can be, they never gets to see me in any other state other than nice. Then I go home and use the punching bag ... a lot...
The best revenge you can get ... is to be successful with your moving forward in your fabulous new life. This unravelling is temporarily in your present, and your ex is in your past ... they don't get to affect your future. This is a new beginning and you get to decide its course ...enjoy the journey ...
C.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Reality # 2 .... this is not Hollywood ...
Reality #2 is a tough one to take .... the laws of Hollywood do not apply to regular, everyday people.
We have all heard it, read it and watched it on TV... the amazing Hollywood power couple have called it quits. They still have property issues, child custody issues, support issues, assets and debts to be fixed up ... absolutely everything that we have to deal with, SO ... why then can they have it all wrapped up and finished with a nice little bow within 6 months and we are still at it 6 years later? Well ....
First, and this is an important one, U.S. and individual state laws (California in particular) regarding divorce, assets, custody, support and property are different than Canadian Law. This fact needs to be accepted. Canadians cannot and do not follow U.S. or California State laws. Period. Complaining about how it isn't fair, isn't going to change it. Ever. Pay attention to Canadian law only ... Plus do you really want to follow laws from a place nicknamed "LaLa Land"?
Second, many of the "celebrity" relationship unravellings that we hear about involve people with considerable means and can afford to absorb their lawyers time and attention. They can basically, buy their way out of the situation... Let's face it, if we had the means we would do the exact same thing... I would...now where did I put my lottery ticket?
It is difficult to understand Canadian law when we are bombarded with vast amounts of U.S. law in the news and in our entertainment. This is not to say that some of the laws are not the same. Some of them are but many are very different. It is important to remember that TV shows are fantasy and do not give you all the information, it is set up for entertainment. Your matter is not entertainment ... it is your life and you need to view it clearly and not through a camera lens.
We have all heard it, read it and watched it on TV... the amazing Hollywood power couple have called it quits. They still have property issues, child custody issues, support issues, assets and debts to be fixed up ... absolutely everything that we have to deal with, SO ... why then can they have it all wrapped up and finished with a nice little bow within 6 months and we are still at it 6 years later? Well ....
First, and this is an important one, U.S. and individual state laws (California in particular) regarding divorce, assets, custody, support and property are different than Canadian Law. This fact needs to be accepted. Canadians cannot and do not follow U.S. or California State laws. Period. Complaining about how it isn't fair, isn't going to change it. Ever. Pay attention to Canadian law only ... Plus do you really want to follow laws from a place nicknamed "LaLa Land"?
Second, many of the "celebrity" relationship unravellings that we hear about involve people with considerable means and can afford to absorb their lawyers time and attention. They can basically, buy their way out of the situation... Let's face it, if we had the means we would do the exact same thing... I would...now where did I put my lottery ticket?
It is difficult to understand Canadian law when we are bombarded with vast amounts of U.S. law in the news and in our entertainment. This is not to say that some of the laws are not the same. Some of them are but many are very different. It is important to remember that TV shows are fantasy and do not give you all the information, it is set up for entertainment. Your matter is not entertainment ... it is your life and you need to view it clearly and not through a camera lens.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Reality #1 ... You are in complete agreement ...
Reality #1: You are in complete agreement with the other party and want the exact same thing.
Eeeeek, that can't be right! We never agree on anything! ...Yup, it's right.... No matter what your friends, family, co-workers and strangers on the street say ... you both want the exact same thing. I am not talking about material items, I am talking about what is at the core of what are actually your true wants. In the end, both parties want (even when the other party does not want to be disentangled) to get out relatively unscathed and to be able to forge ahead to (hopefully) greener pastures. This is the goal, this is what both parties want ... this is rarely what both parties get.
In knowing that you both want the exact same thing, you must also realize that the other party may not have a clue about your enlightenment to this fact. If someone were to ask them what do they want from this process, they would say something like this ... "for the process to be over, so that I can move ahead with my life" ... However, I guarantee that no one, not one single soul out there says... " I hope this costs me as much money as possible and wastes years of my time, so that I can stay in this stress forever, that would be the best!" ... Now, if you do find that one person that actually says and believes this, call the insane asylum they are missing a patient...
It is at this point that I feel it is my duty, to advise that this blog is not giving legal advice or that it should be used as a replacement for proper legal advice (although in all fairness what some lawyers are dishing out really isn't much in the advice department either ... but I digress). What this can be used for, is, as cautions as to some of the more common blunders, errors, and misconceptions that ensue as part of this stressful process. It can be used to help keep focus on the real wants and to stay out of the money and time wasting nasty pit ...It is intended to help forge a better relationship with your counsel and to hopefully help keep costs low, goals within sight and move the process forward in an efficient manner. And failing all that ... to at least give a few knowing nods and giggles along the way ...
C.
Eeeeek, that can't be right! We never agree on anything! ...Yup, it's right.... No matter what your friends, family, co-workers and strangers on the street say ... you both want the exact same thing. I am not talking about material items, I am talking about what is at the core of what are actually your true wants. In the end, both parties want (even when the other party does not want to be disentangled) to get out relatively unscathed and to be able to forge ahead to (hopefully) greener pastures. This is the goal, this is what both parties want ... this is rarely what both parties get.
In knowing that you both want the exact same thing, you must also realize that the other party may not have a clue about your enlightenment to this fact. If someone were to ask them what do they want from this process, they would say something like this ... "for the process to be over, so that I can move ahead with my life" ... However, I guarantee that no one, not one single soul out there says... " I hope this costs me as much money as possible and wastes years of my time, so that I can stay in this stress forever, that would be the best!" ... Now, if you do find that one person that actually says and believes this, call the insane asylum they are missing a patient...
It is at this point that I feel it is my duty, to advise that this blog is not giving legal advice or that it should be used as a replacement for proper legal advice (although in all fairness what some lawyers are dishing out really isn't much in the advice department either ... but I digress). What this can be used for, is, as cautions as to some of the more common blunders, errors, and misconceptions that ensue as part of this stressful process. It can be used to help keep focus on the real wants and to stay out of the money and time wasting nasty pit ...It is intended to help forge a better relationship with your counsel and to hopefully help keep costs low, goals within sight and move the process forward in an efficient manner. And failing all that ... to at least give a few knowing nods and giggles along the way ...
C.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
My gut is a genius...
I find each time a chapter in my story ends I seem to look back and remember moments, evaluate them, and then in my case cringe and want to find a rather large rock to stick my head under... These are the "what was I thinking" moments. These moments come to me regularly by not listening to my "gut instincts". In hindsight, I have come to realize that my "gut" is absolutely brilliant about everything. It is, without a doubt, a summa cum laude genius.
I can trace many of my less than genius moments to the past five years of life changing bad decisions and disasterous ideas. I stress the past five years because it is the beginning of my full press participation in the arsenic system of family law, and my participation and captivation of the acrimony that ensued. Now you may be thinking five years of life changes in family law seems a bit excessive, and I completely agree however, this appears to be perfectly normal in the world of family law.
In these past five years, I have been told some really amazing things. I have seen some really amazing things. I have agreed to some really amazing thing ... and all the while my gut is screaming "Stop! Don't do it, Don't listen, Don't look, oh man don't sign that!" ...meanwhile, my brain is saying "No, its ok, they must know what they are talking about, you don't know about this stuff, you don't want to appear to be difficult or not nice, just do it" Did I mention my brain is an idiot ...I really should have listened to the genius gut...
... C.
I can trace many of my less than genius moments to the past five years of life changing bad decisions and disasterous ideas. I stress the past five years because it is the beginning of my full press participation in the arsenic system of family law, and my participation and captivation of the acrimony that ensued. Now you may be thinking five years of life changes in family law seems a bit excessive, and I completely agree however, this appears to be perfectly normal in the world of family law.
In these past five years, I have been told some really amazing things. I have seen some really amazing things. I have agreed to some really amazing thing ... and all the while my gut is screaming "Stop! Don't do it, Don't listen, Don't look, oh man don't sign that!" ...meanwhile, my brain is saying "No, its ok, they must know what they are talking about, you don't know about this stuff, you don't want to appear to be difficult or not nice, just do it" Did I mention my brain is an idiot ...I really should have listened to the genius gut...
... C.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Some clarity to start ...
So as you stumble upon this blog you may wonder (and rightly so), why would one possibly name it "arsenic and acrimony" and what could it possibly be about? Well it really is two fold, it is a little bit about the unravelling of relationships and the "well meaning" process(es) behind the unravelling and secondly it is about the bits of humour and enlightenment we find along the way... but before we jump in, I think a little clarity is in order as to the name ...
The name started because of an old Cary Grant movie named "Arsenic and Old Lace", the movie is about 2 elderly sisters who thought they were doing a public service by calmly poisoning, lonely elderly men who had no relationships. They truly believed that what they were doing served no harm and that they were being helpful. They had a system for helping those in need.
Now... how this movie plays into what this blog is about ... well there appears to be a system in place for helping those in need with their relationships, and the system truly believes that it is doing no harm ... we know this system as family law and family court.
Here is where the neat part comes in .... Arsenic is a poison that causes multi-system failure, and acrimony is a biting sharpness displayed in behaviour. Unfortunately, most who have had to deal with family law or the family court systems will tell you that there is most definitely a multi-system failure in place combined with incredible biting sharpness in the behaviours of all those involved... but wait ... this is the helping, doing no harm system! Well, I think you can see where I am going to be going with this ...
It is without a doubt that at some point in each of our lives we are given a dose of arsenic combined with some acrimony .... but what we do with the arsenic & acrimony in our lives is up to us, even when there appears to be little, few or no options remaining....there is always an option.
There is a lot of arsenic and acrimony in unravelling a relationship.... but there are some pretty entertaining stops long the way ... it is quite the journey...
C.
The name started because of an old Cary Grant movie named "Arsenic and Old Lace", the movie is about 2 elderly sisters who thought they were doing a public service by calmly poisoning, lonely elderly men who had no relationships. They truly believed that what they were doing served no harm and that they were being helpful. They had a system for helping those in need.
Now... how this movie plays into what this blog is about ... well there appears to be a system in place for helping those in need with their relationships, and the system truly believes that it is doing no harm ... we know this system as family law and family court.
Here is where the neat part comes in .... Arsenic is a poison that causes multi-system failure, and acrimony is a biting sharpness displayed in behaviour. Unfortunately, most who have had to deal with family law or the family court systems will tell you that there is most definitely a multi-system failure in place combined with incredible biting sharpness in the behaviours of all those involved... but wait ... this is the helping, doing no harm system! Well, I think you can see where I am going to be going with this ...
It is without a doubt that at some point in each of our lives we are given a dose of arsenic combined with some acrimony .... but what we do with the arsenic & acrimony in our lives is up to us, even when there appears to be little, few or no options remaining....there is always an option.
There is a lot of arsenic and acrimony in unravelling a relationship.... but there are some pretty entertaining stops long the way ... it is quite the journey...
C.
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